Meet Your Real Needs
- Dec 4, 2025
- 4 min read
A journey from unmet needs to deep self-awareness and true healing.
Growing up, I was taught that the only needs that people have, are material needs. My parents would say:
“You have food on your plate, a roof over your head, and clothes to wear. What more do you need?”
My parents were shaped by the migrant culture they came from. In their world, anything beyond material needs was considered an indulgent and unnecessary luxury. Their capacity to recognise emotional, psychological, or relational needs, such as belonging, autonomy and meaning, was painfully limited.
I remember struggling at fourteen. In the thick of self-harm and having suicidal thoughts, I told my mother that I felt depressed and needed help. Her response was something like:
“Why are you depressed? You have nothing to worry about. Just focus on your studies.”
I went away from the conversation feeling unsupported. I sat at my study table in my room thinking, “What do I do? Where do I turn?” I remember crying uncontrollably and feeling anxious and distressed. It was that night that I cut myself for the first time. I snapped a plastic ruler in half and cut my wrist with the sharp edge of it.
Recalling this memory brings tears to my eyes. I can clearly feel the energy of that time. It’s filled with sadness, disbelief and hopelessness. Each time I reflect on memories of this nature, I feel the immense gravity of choosing to hurt myself. I ask myself the questions, “Why? What led me to do that?”
The undeniable truth is that, as a child, my capacity to meet my own needs depended heavily on the adults around me. And, my every cry for help was rooted in unmet needs that no one around me knew how to see, name, or acknowledge.
When caregivers lack the capacity to support young people - emotionally, physically and relationally - trauma takes root. For me, this manifested in my body and my behaviours. Along with self-harm, I experienced debilitating physiological conditions, addiction, chronic stress, insecurity, unworthiness, anger, confusion, and a deep sense of suppression.
As I’ve healed, I’ve grieved the ache of not having at least one high-capacity person in my early life. It would've been truly invaluable to have someone to tell me that my feelings are safe, that my emotions were valid, and that I was worthy of having my needs met. If you are someone who is involved with young people in any way, empower them to learn about their needs and meet their needs. This is the best thing you can do for children and young people.
I also see now, that the many behaviours I once normalised, were not personal failures. They were reflections of a mainstream culture built on blame, shame and judgement. Like many people around me, I had dissonant strategies to meet my needs. I drank heavily, smoked, struggled with eating disorders, and pushed my body to extremes. I didn’t exercise for growth or connection to my body, but to chase an externally defined “hot” look. My eating disorders came from trying to be thin and socially desirable. My drinking came from the desire to be cool, fit in, and escape the reality I was living.
Only later, did I realise that all of these behaviours were desperate attempts to meet my needs.
Coming to terms with the gravity of my actions, and the trust I broke with my body, has been both humbling and heartbreaking. Healing has been just as uncomfortable, as it has been empowering. It’s a bit like learning to write with your non-dominant hand - you want to give up before you even begin.
It feels like a miracle to have overcome self-harm, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, alcoholism, and feelings of unworthiness to mend the trust I broke with my body. My story is a testament to what is possible.
From that wisdom, here are five simple truths to change your life:
Satisfaction lies in meeting your needs deeply.
Needs are universal. Everyone has needs they are trying to meet.
There is no hierarchy of needs.
Your needs are your responsibility.
Other people’s needs are not your responsibility.
These truths reflect that, no matter who you are or where you come from, the best investment of your energy is in yourself and your needs. It is long overdue that people become disillusioned by the violence of dissonant strategies like drinking, smoking and food deprivation.
It is possible to rise above cultural conditioning, to do things differently, and to build a life where your needs matter more than inherited constructs.
Your body is your home for this life. You might be in it for many decades to come. Don’t be basic. Don’t trash your body.
Resources:
Universal Needs List: https://makinglifemorewonderful.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Universal-Human-Needs.pdf
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