Discovering Relational Freedom

It was on a night in October 2020 that I first discovered the thread of relational freedom. I still remember it clear as day. Lying on the back of my ute, holding hands with a friend, while laughing and staring at the stars. I felt very free that night, which was not something I had experience much of in my life.

One of many funky graffiti pieces along the banks of the ghats in Varanasi, India. Photo by Athira Emmanuel

Freedom is quite difficult to come across as an Indian woman. Growing up, I was not allowed to hang out with boys, be seen with a boy or even stand too close to a boy. Let’s not even talk about the thought of having a boyfriend.

I still remember walking through the local shopping centre of my small town with my friends and being on full alert about someone spotting me from the Indian community. I know the feeling so well. The stress, the adrenaline, the pit in my stomach.

I remember one time when I was with my good friend, Caleb, and I saw a family friend in the distance. I ran into a shop and hid behind racks so they wouldn’t see me and tell my parents. There were times where I was not able to hide, times when my parents were told and the proceeding consequences were not pretty.

I’ve had a lot of fight in me since I was a child so beatings and being shamed has not ever stopped me from pursuing freedom and questioning traditions. I just don’t know how not to. 

Photograph of me as a child, with a big smile as always.

The mainstream culture, especially Indian culture is steeped in overcooked relationships. I have seen, heard and experienced countless stories of women who live lives that are not truly theirs. That doesn’t have the power to ask for what they want. That doesn’t even know that it’s ok to have wants.

Study well, get a job, get married, buy a house, buy a car, have some babies and on you go. Cooking, cleaning and working your whole life. It’s just what you did. This lifestyle was so ingrained in me that until my early 20s, I didn’t even piece together that doing it differently in romantic relationships was an option. 

Luckily for me, on that night in September, in a moment of epiphany, it just sunk in. A construct that had made sense to me all my life, just didn’t anymore. I understood relational freedom at its core and there was no turning back. I know that if I had a boyfriend on that night, I would not be free to connect with another man, no matter how pure the energy or intentions. I could feel how limiting that would be for my full expression and for honouring my needs.

I welcomed a deep knowing that night. It’s not the actions or words that matter but rather, the energy behind the actions and words.  

Photograph by Badhsha in Himanchal Pradesh, India

My next relationship came in the following February. One of the first things I told my partner was that I didn’t want to be held back by the unspoken rules of monogamy. It wasn’t about seeking multiple partners - it was about freedom, choice, and autonomy. Man or woman, if I want to hold someone’s hand, I won’t be held back. I won’t stand for missing out on opportunities for connection and I refuse to subscribe to conditions and outdated social norms. I will not be trapped. Not ever again in this lifetime. Why would I? There’s enough of that in the world already. 

My deep knowing of relational freedom had opened my mind to a world of possibilities. A world without blame, shame and judgement and rather one organised around value, flow and magic. I can see it. I know it is possible. I got one of my famous lines from that night. Why be in a relationship for 70 years when the magic is only for 7 seconds? When the value is done, it’s done. Know when it is time to let go. Do not linger. Do not attach. 

I will be the first to recognise my privilege. I know that not many women around the world do not have the luxury or freedom or choice as I do. This is why I’ve chosen to go as far as I can and be as free as I can, with the privilege I’ve been blessed with. I can live my life as a symbolic act of freedom and I will.